MY STORY - and this is the short version !!
I’ll
never go back there again!!
Secondary school is meant to be somewhere to go and learn, somewhere to learn essential skills and gain essential
knowledge for life. It’s not supposed to be somewhere to where you feel frightened, threatened, too scared to move in
case it’s the wrong thing to, somewhere you don’t want to go for fear of humiliation, isolation and pain that
hurts so badly you’d rather be dead that have to suffer it day after day.
From an early age I was isolated. People knew I was different and even before I went to secondary school I was
left out of everything. I thought secondary school would be different. I figured bigger school, more people. Surely someone
would be able to see past my faults to my good points and like me for who I am. How wrong could I have been?
I did make a friend when I started secondary school. I thought she genuinely liked me. Little did I know she
was out to use me. She never really liked me. She knew I was lonely and she knew I’d cling onto any friend that came
along and she took advantage of that. She was only friends with me when it suited her and she treated me like dirt but I let
her because I was so happy someone was noticing me and giving me the time of day.
Throughout school the bullying was unbearable. The constant name calling, put downs, threats. It wore me down.
It was too much too handle. I was quiet and kept myself to myself. I never did any harm to anyone. Why couldn’t they
just leave me alone? Why couldn’t they just let me live my life in peace?
Year 9 presented me with the threat of being battered, year 10 presented me with being called names and constantly
put down and Yeah 11 presented me with me with being pinned against a wall and a slap across the face and that was just the
start of it.
By the time I started in the sixth
form I had sunk into a really deep depression. I was lonely, sad and hated myself.
By this time I had started to see
a councilor because I was really depressed and had started to self harm. Carolyne was great. She was the nicest person ever.
She didn’t judge me. She just listened to what I had to say.
While all this was going on I was
trying to study for my AS levels. Unsurprisingly with what I was going through they took a back seat. I stopped going to IT
lessons after I fell out with my best friend Hayley. I didn’t mean to accuse her of spreading rumours about me. It just slipped out.
She was the only 1 who knew certain things about me and then all of a sudden other people knew. What was I supposed to think?
It felt so uncomfortable in IT
lessons. I always felt like people were looking at me and like people were giving me daggers to my back for what I did to
Hayley. I never meant to upset her. I was just upset myself and didn't think before I spoke.
One Thursday after assembly my
head of year asked to speak to me. I thought it was because I was wearing trainers because my shoes had broken but it turned
out it wasn't. Hayley had been at it again. She had been to Mrs C and told her that I had said that Carolyne told me not to
go to IT because of Hayley which was completely untrue. Worse still Mrs C would not listen to what I had to say. She just
shouted at me and wouldn't believe what I was saying. This upset me so much because I thought Mrs C was one of only 2 people
I could trust and who trusted me. Mrs C knew everything about me and was the only person I would talk to. I wasn't expecting
her to take sides. I just wanted her listen but it seemed Mrs C's mind was already made up.
That lunchtime I broke down in
tears. I couldn't take anymore. I was innocent and determined to prove it. I never ever said what I was accused of saying.
I wouldn't have because (a) it wasn't true, (b) I didn't want Carolyne involved and (c) What was said between me and Carolyne
in meetings was between us and I wanted it to stay that way. I wouldn't go blabbing my own personal business. What happened
that day hurt so much and made me so angry that I just couldn't forget it. It ate away at me and I beat myself up about it
wishing I'd said and done things differently.
It was just after I stopped seeing
Carolyne that she diagnosed me as having mild Asperger's syndrome. It was great because suddenly lots of things fell into
place. Suddenly, for the first time in my life I knew who I was. It all made sense. Knowing that helped me understand who
I was and why certain things had happened and I was determined to hold on to that. I finally had an identity and because of
that I didn’t care what people thought of me.
As year 12 ended and year 13 began
not much changed. I dropped IT because I failed it at AS Level and wasn't really interested in it anyway. I decided I wanted
to pick up psychology instead. It was something which had always interested me.
When I arrived at the first proper
lesson there were 2 people already there. One of them started to talk to me. She was called Ellie. The other one was Carly.
That was where I first met her. I got talking to them both and then sat with them in class. It was nice to have people to
talk to for a change.
I hated being in my year group.
Nobody liked me. I had no friends. I sat alone in registration, and I sat alone in classes. It was only during break times
and lunch times (and the odd free lesson) that I ever felt a real happiness because it was only then that I saw Carly and
Jade.
Carly was great. She was the best
friend I could ever wish for but still I felt lonely. Still I spent most of everyday on my own watching the people around
me laughing and joking and having fun and I was really jealous. It hurt so much watching them all carrying on as though I
didn't exist.
As year 12 went on my feelings
didn’t change. It was so strange feeling so down and yet having moments of such happiness at the same time.
The biggest moment of unhappiness
came on results day. I knew I’d done badly. After everything that happened over the last 2 years it was obvious I’d
done badly because my mind hadn’t been on what it should be. Somehow though, it still came as a massive surprise to
see just how badly I’d done. I still cried my heart out because it felt like I had completely wasted 2 years of my life.
I decided to go back to sixth form
for a third year. I put my heart and soul into it and actually it was probably my best year in school. I was in the same year
group as my best friends, I understood the work better because I’d done it before and I knuckled down and focused my
energies into my work. I didn’t feel like I could let myself feel sad because I couldn’t afford to waste the opportunity
given to me to better my grades.
As it turned out I did better my
grades and I did have a good year in school that last year but I also had so many bad years there, so many bad memories. I’ve
moved on now and I’m so happy. My confidence has grown and I’ve got a life. I’ve got a job, got friends
and I live in my own house. Everything is going so well.
I don’t hate my secondary
school – after all I learnt so much there (academic and about life) but it – along with everything that happened
there - is part of my past and that’s where it’ll stay and for that reason I’ll never go back there again
